Counting It All Joy: New Years Resolution

Let’s talk about Grief. Gratitude. Restlessness and regret.

And how it relates to the new year.

At the end of 2022, I lost a friend close to me, Oshane. Someone I wish I had been a better friend too. Now, those who know me personally, know me by my depth and loving nature. Unfortunately, I am ashamed to say I was not the best version of myself around, Oshane, shortly before he passed. I will forever remember Oshane not only for what he did but more importantly who he was. Oshane was generous with his joy, time, love, and money. He was the definition of the scripture: my cup runneth over.

Losing my friend is teaching me just how precious the life God gives us is.

Losing my friend is teaching me life is too short to not be vulnerable. It is too short to not love openly.

On the final Friday of 2022, I was on the phone with someone, let’s call this person Peter. Peter asked me what my personal goals were for the New Year and I froze, colder than the weather we have been having lately. I was afraid to admit what I truly wanted. I denied the opportunity to be vulnerable because of past hurt.

A previous-seemingly-serious-potential-partner love-bombed me, spoke about wanting a family with me, and then ghosted me when I invited him to church. This hurt because I more than anything on earth want to be a loving wife and mother. And during this brief relationship 2 years ago is when I admitted it for the very first time. However, I count it all joy and I thank God that it did not work out because if a potential partner dips at the first sight of conflict or an invitation to know God, this is not a partner I want nor will I accept.

So when I presented Peter with an invitation to be vulnerable he was. I asked Peter “what legacy he wanted to leave?” and when my question was met with “a loving husband and father.” My heart skipped a beat and I got butterflies in my belly.

In subconscious discomfort and evanescent grief, I said my goodbyes and quickly hung up the phone although I wished to hear Peter’s voice for more time.

Every time I speak with Peter feels like seconds in my hands, although, about thirty-to-sixty minutes would pass. Time stops and I hope it never ends, at least consciously, for subconsciously I created a fleeting moment because I am so used to being in the motion of life.

I don’t want the opportunity to fall in love and connect with someone deeply to pass me by. However, it might if I do not open up and be vulnerable. Deep interconnection lowers the chances of depression. In order to experience interconnection first we must have intraconnection with ourselves. I am not sure if intraconnection is a word, but on VickianaPoetry.com it is! So add it to your vocabularies.

Intraconnection with ourselves is proceeded by intimacy (interconnection) with God.

I am writing this at 3am after neglecting my blog for the majority of 2022. I am restless and searching for peace.

I don’t know about you but this year I want to experience God like I never have before. I feel a shifting in the atmosphere of my life. This is truly my season. It is time I start acting like it.

So this year my major goals are to be more grateful, rest more and regret less.

I can regret less by first and foremost putting God first and secondly by being in the moment more.
*
*
*
Say these prayers with me to experience healing and spiritual depth with God this year:

– God this year I want to experience love with you on another level.
– Help me to love myself as the woman you created in your image. Overflow my cup so I have abundant love for others including my (future) partner (Psalm 23:5).
– Jesus help me heal from past pain and hurt so that I may step into present-and-future joy.
– Jesus please enter the atmosphere of my life so that there may be shifting in my favor.
-Jesus because you are entering the atmosphere of my life I believe there will be shifting in my favor, breaking in my favor, and healing in my favor.
– Father thank you for what you have done and are about to do in my life. I pray that this year I count it all joy. The heartbreak, the grief, the restlessness and regret. All joy in your name. For I serve a God that gives beauty for ashes and turns mourning to dancing (Isaiah 61:3; Pslam 30:11).

I pray this all in Jesus name, Amen.